Procrastadabbler

My Dad’s health is slipping. He’s 83 and has a major arterial blockage (inoperable at his age). 18 months ago he was given up to 3 years to live. Oddly, it’s been a good thing. He’s the happiest and most at peace I’ve ever seen. I have a sense though that the end is coming sooner than later. The last couple of times he called, he apologized for screwing up as a father. And he did screw up. But I’ve forgiven him. Given his limited resources and the lack of support for single fathers in the early 60s and 70s, he did what he could. And we all turned out ok. None of us four kids have had any major mental health problems, no behavioral problems, and we’re all contributing to society in our own way. So, it’s all ok.

But what I’m really thinking is that he’s asking for forgiveness because he wants to be at peace with all of us before he passes. I want him to be at peace as well. I don’t want any bad karma left behind. There has been multiple generations of bad karma on both sides of my family for many generations. I want to stop that cycle.

I love my dad, but I don’t idolize him or adore him. I see him as a very fallible human who struggled all his life, who made next to nothing in wages, and who made some pretty bad decisions, but nonetheless was sustained by an enduring love for his children. He may not have been able to show it when it was needed, and sometimes it was eclipsed by anger and depression, but as an adult, I know it was there. In the end, he did a lot better than a lot of people who have everything handed to them.

So I forgive, but I don’t forget, because if we forget we run the risk of  repeating past mistakes, and doing that would be the biggest insult to my dad’s memory. The best way to honor him is to be better than he was. And so I try.